


See me

by multifandomgeek



Series: See me [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Boss/Employee Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jackie is the queen, Jan is a maid, Lesbian AU, Medieval AU, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:07:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23840956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifandomgeek/pseuds/multifandomgeek
Summary: Jackie owns all the pretty gowns and jewels worthy of a queen, but in reality, she'd rather spend time chatting with the girls in the kitchen. That's where she meets Jan. When she starts to realize the nature of her feelings for the young woman, Jackie finds herself with a challenge: how can she show how much she cares without her authority making Jan feel like she's obligated to something?
Relationships: Jan Sport/Jackie Cox
Series: See me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797301
Comments: 119
Kudos: 127





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. It's been a while. I'm trying to get back out there. This is unbeta'd because I didn't want to chicken out of posting it, so forgive my mistakes. I hope you like it. I love these two SO MUCH.

The castle was big and cold, its wide hallways dark and windy, the rooms too big for the fireplaces in them to make much of a difference, even the smallest ones. Jackie loved the library in particular, not because it was warmer, but it was at least cozier and always empty. She could sit on the floor right next to the fire, and the chances were slim that somebody was going to reprimand her for it. Queens shouldn’t sit on the floor. There was a perfectly good solid wood chair yards away from the fire where she could read and freeze to death with grace and dignity. 

Most nights, she would go to the library and stay there until sleep finally crept up on her, which was admittedly later than she would have liked. Tonight, however, was one of those nights where she craved human contact. She craved laughter and a kind of interaction you can’t get from the nobility. So she went to the kitchens. 

The library was nice, but the kitchens were Jackie’s true favorite place in the castle. She would like to be there all the time, but she knew her presence made everybody’s work a little harder. They loved her, no doubt, but you can’t be all that comfortable working in front of your boss, and Jackie wouldn’t like their amicable relationship to become awkward just because she was often lonely. Besides, it wasn’t good for her image or whatever.

Even so, once in a while she would spend her whole day at the kitchens. The loud cooks liked the queen’s enthusiasm upon hearing the common people’s fresh new gossip, all the while snacking on whatever she could pick from the counters as if she was just a service boy. There were always kids there too, be it actually working or just because their mothers didn’t have anywhere else to leave them. Jackie liked most of them, and treated them to a coin or a piece of candy when their mothers weren’t looking (so it wouldn’t force them to bow in thanks or worse, not accept it). There was one boy who always looked as if he would bite Jackie’s head off if he could, but his father had issues with his land that were never quite solved, so she forgave the boy for hating her. 

At night the place was quieter, but the warmth was still there, both from the wood burning under the stoves and reminiscent of the human interactions that always kept the place busy. Jackie took a deep breath as she walked in, the cacophony of smells almost enough to make her happy. The kitchen had a low ceiling, from which herbs, pots, meat, and lots, lots of other things hung. There was a long table that worked as a counter and a nook at the corner where a couple of people slept. Jackie tried not to bother them, walking instead all the way over to the other side of the room, where two women kneaded the bread that would be baked in the morning. 

“Hey gals, what you up to?” said Jackie as she approached. She expected smiles, maybe tired ones, but certainly not the startled faces that actually met hers. 

“Your majesty,” said Nina, one of the cooks, promptly cleaning her hands on her apron and putting up a smile. “We weren’t expecting you. It’s late.”

“I couldn’t sleep. Too cold. You know me,” said Jackie, her eyebrows creased as she discreetly looked around, trying to find out what was going on. It was too dark in the room for her to see much, however. “Is everything alright? Maybe I should leave.”

“Of course not! You’re always welcome, milady,” said Nina immediately. 

Meanwhile, Heidi kept kneading beside her with such focus that it couldn’t be anything but suspicious. Nina looked behind herself, but before she could make a decision, a figure stepped forward. 

It was a young woman, blonde, beautiful, and visibly tired to the bone. Jackie didn’t know her, which explained Nina’s hesitation. Only staff were allowed in the castle at this time of night, and Jackie knew every single one of her employees. 

“Well, well, well,” said Jackie humorously. “Did goody-goody Miss Nina West sneak someone in? How naughty!”

Nina relaxed at Jackie’s tone, and even let out a smile. The mysterious girl, however, didn’t seem to get the joke. “I’m so sorry, your majesty. I didn’t know where else to go. Nina is like family to me, I-”

“Calm down, honey,” said Jackie, stepping closer to put a comforting hand on her arm. “If you need a place to stay, there’s plenty of room.”

“She needs a job too, Lady Queen,” said Heidi. 

Jackie was always asking everybody not to call her ‘Your Majesty’ when she was in the kitchen, but the habit was too ingrained in most of them. Heidi, however, wanted to make an effort, and chose ‘Lady Queen’ as an alternative. It didn’t make much sense, but Jackie loved it with all her heart. 

“Heidi!”

“What? She does!”

“Please don’t feel obligated, your majesty,” said the girl. She looked a little scared, startled maybe. As if being that close to the queen was the last drop for her day to be just too much. 

Jackie sighed and sat down on a stool. It was rustic, marked by use, and a little uneven. Definitely not appropriate for a royal butt. She felt better already. “First things first, what’s your name?”

“It’s Jan, your majesty.”

“Okay, Jan. I’m Jackie. Please don’t call me ‘your majesty’ in the kitchens. Pretty please. If you could bring yourself to not call me that ever, I’d be so glad.” Jackie put an elbow on the table and rested her chin on her hand, reaching for a platter of old scones with the other. She made a point to talk with her mouth full. “My workday finishes at dusk, Nina can find you a job if she feels like some unpaid overtime.” 

Nina chuckled, shaking her head as she kept kneading bread. “She could be a chambermaid. The kitchen is already full enough. In fact, we could get rid of one or two useless girls, like this one over here,” she gestured to Heidi with her shoulder. 

“Hey!” exclaimed Heidi, swatting Nina with a hand full of flour, causing a big puff that made everybody lean away and laugh. Jackie found herself staring at Jan’s smile. She was even prettier when she looked happy. 

“Chambermaid it is,” said Jackie, waving a hand as if to make it official.

“Thank you,” said Jan, smiling wider. Jackie wanted to do something else for her immediately, just to keep her like that. 

“Now that that’s solved, let me tell you the latest news, Lady Queen,” said Heidi, pulling Jackie’s attention back. “I broke up with my man.” 

“No!” gasped Jackie, reaching for another scone. She offered Jan one too, feeling like she had to make the girl feel welcome somehow, but she didn’t accept. 

Heidi started telling her story, and it was as juicy as Jackie expected. Jan was quiet, lost in thought. Whatever trouble she had been in, it was keeping her mind heavy. Jackie wanted to ask, but refrained, fearing to take away her smile again. She paid attention to Heidi instead, had her warm evening like she expected to, even more so with a pleasant surprise like that. It didn’t occur to her that, as a chambermaid, she would have the opportunity to see Jan very often. If it had, maybe she wouldn’t have gone to bed so calmly later that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much Meggie for reading it over and making me feel like I actually know what I'm doing <3 You're a blessing

Jackie’s first impression of Jan was that she was quiet. But to be fair, nobody would be cheerful in the position she was in; she clearly had had a long day before arriving at the castle, was tired and worried without a roof to sleep under or anything to eat. Not even Jan could smile through that, and Jackie quickly came to find out that Jan could smile through pretty much everything.

As she settled in, Jan showed her true self in no time, surprising Jackie in the best way. The queen was not a gloomy person, but to start her day with Jan’s smile and a happy “good morning” was doing wonders for her disposition. She noticed herself laughing more easily, and possibly even solving problems with much more optimism and grace.

Their routine established itself within a couple of weeks: Jackie would wake up and find Jan already in the room, filling her jars of water and tidying up. They would chat and she would help Jackie get dressed for breakfast with the court that she would now attend with a lot more smiles than usual. (Jackie used to have another maid help her with that, who she was honestly glad to see replaced. The girl was too serious for someone like her, but she would never have the heart to fire her. She was probably somewhere else in the castle right now.) Jan would then make the bed and move on to other rooms. They wouldn’t see each other again until the evening when Jan would help her change for the night.

Unless Jackie requested her, which she could do. There would be nothing unusual about it, but she refrained as much as she could. Just like with the kitchen staff, she tried her best to leave Jan alone to work in peace, as hard as it was. Jan had something about her, an aura of happiness and bubbly feelings that drew Jackie in like a drug. She wanted to be near her all the time, listen to her talk and laugh (and sometimes she would giggle and Jackie’s heart would float).

But the downfall didn’t come until a few months later when Jackie heard Jan cleaning the library. It was late, and Jackie was cold. She went searching for warmth in the library’s fireplace and her latest novel’s pages. Just a regular evening chasing sleep, it would be nothing to write home about. Except Jackie was stopped short once she saw Jan in the room, perched up on a stool, facing away from her, cleaning one of the bookshelves.

Solely the vision of that beautiful woman at one of her favorite places in the world would already be enough to tighten Jackie’s heart. Add that to the way the warm lights were reflecting on her pale skin as she dusted carefully, as if she knew how important the books were for Jackie, and it was already overkill.

But Jan was also singing.

Jackie was frozen in place, listening to Jan’s incredible voice and watching her body gently bob to the rhythm as if she could hear instruments in her mind’s ears. Jackie didn’t know the song, and Jan was singing so low it wasn’t even enough to echo through the massive room. It didn’t matter, the queen’s insides turned into something fizzy, her body trying its best to become one with the sound.

The music stopped as Jan turned around, jumping as she saw Jackie. "Oh! I didn't see you there." She chuckled embarrassedly, getting down from her stool.

Jan, beautiful Jan, didn't call Jackie her majesty unless they were in front of other people. "Sorry," said Jackie, lacking her usual wit.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Jackie snapped out of it, managing to look away somehow. "I come here sometimes when I can't sleep and I'm cold. Why are you cleaning so late at night?"

"Couldn't sleep either. Sorry, I didn't know this was your spot."

"Oh, I don't mind at all," said Jackie, settling on the floor in front of the fire. "How come I’ve never heard you sing before? Your voice is beautiful."

Jan made a dismissive gesture, but her face showed that she very much knew that. "I don't know. My stepdad didn't like it when I sang in the house. I guess it’s a habit to do it only by myself."

"Must be a crazy man," said Jackie humorously.

"Can't argue with that." Jan looked away. There was certainly more than she was telling in that story, but Jackie wasn't one to probe.

"Come sit with me." She expected a refusal, but Jan just left her duster behind and sat down, unceremoniously. "What song was it?" With Jan so close, Jackie's voice became soft, and she could hear her heart hammering inexplicably against her chest.

"Some old villager thing," said Jan just as softly. “You know, it goes…” She began singing again, but this time it was for Jackie, so it was louder and with purpose. It was breathtaking.

When she finished, Jackie clapped, making her laugh. “Do another!” asked Jackie.

Jan got up and began another song with a faster beat. Strung up by Jackie's attention, she started dancing too, spinning her skirt and at one point closing her eyes. She went for it on the high notes, not caring about volume anymore, and Jackie got goosebumps. If the castle weren't so big, Jackie would be worried that they might wake somebody up. That is, if she could fathom that there was a world beyond Jan.

Jan bowed, and Jackie clapped again as Jan sat back down. The fire was hot beside the queen, and yet all she wanted was to get closer and warm herself on Jan's arms.

"Wow, you're an artist," said Jackie.

"I wish," said Jan.

Jackie wanted to say that she could make that happen. She could make Jan an artist in the blink of an eye, wouldn’t even be an effort. But that would break the illusion she was in right now. She would go back to being the all-powerful queen, and she didn't want that. Not when Jan was smiling at her and she was smiling back as if they were any two women in the world.

"That seems like a dumb question, but are all these books yours?" asked Jan.

Jackie chuckled. "I know, it's a lot of books! They were mostly my husband's, passed down through generations. There are some gifts here and there and I have ordered some, but those are a very small percentage."

"How was he? Your husband?" asked Jan, eyes wandering through the rows of shelves from floor to ceiling, filled to the brim with countless tomes.

"A good man," said Jackie with a sad smile. Her husband had died five years ago, and she still missed him as fiercely as if he'd been gone yesterday. "Our marriage was not one of love, but we eventually became the best of friends. I try to honor him every time I make a decision for the good of this kingdom. His kingdom."

Jackie was from a faraway land, married to seal a commercial partnership. At the tender age of 19, she came to a land she didn't know, married a man she had just met, and became bound forever to a kingdom of people whose culture didn't make sense to her at all. But Jackie was resilient. There had been hate, and authority issues, but by the time her husband died of fever, she was a beloved queen, respected even if she had to work her ass off to convince the people she was worthy of it.

“He didn’t love his books all that much, though,” continued Jackie. “The library has always been kind of my thing.”

"My stepdad lost our land in a game," Jan blurted out, taking Jackie out of her reverie. The blonde was looking at the fire, sadness back in her eyes where it didn’t belong. "Took the kids and went away. My mom passed last year and I guess he didn’t care all that much for a child that wasn’t his. And, well, I’m not a child anymore, anyway. That's why I came here, to Nina. She used to take care of me when I was small."

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry." Jackie took Jan's hand in a comforting gesture. She didn’t know if she should regret it or thank herself for the moment of impulsivity.

"It's okay, I'm happier now anyway. Earning my own living, sleeping in a castle. My boss even lets me sing," Jan winked, smiling.

"Must be a cool boss," said Jackie, taking her hand away, quickly becoming aware of the lack of contact.

"She is."

There was a pause, a silence that on Jackie's side was heavy with feelings. Whatever was she hoping for? What kind of delusion was she convincing herself could be true? They were smiling softly at each other, and Jackie had to do something or she would end up kissing this woman and all would be lost.

"You can take books, you know," she said in a haste. "If you want to. If you'd like. If reading is something you enjoy."

Jan perked up, looking around. "Really? Where would I even begin?"

"I can help you." Jackie got up and offered Jan a hand. "Come on, I'll give you a tour."

As they walked, Jackie couldn't stop talking. She showed Jan to the sections, told stories about the books they came by, everything she could remember. She pointed out her favorites, recited fun facts about the authors, whatever she could think of. She just had to take back some control over her feelings, calm down, give herself a chance to think.

Jan seemed genuinely interested, however, and ended up picking a tragicomedy to take to her room. By the time she did it, it was so late they were both yawning. Jackie was warm now, maybe even a little too much. Her mind was a little foggy, but she thought she had things under wraps again. It was just loneliness, foolishness. She was letting herself think like a teenager, and there was too much to take into consideration. Even if she were to take these feelings seriously, which she was not-

“Thanks, Jackie,” said Jan. “This is amazing. I’ll let you know my thoughts on it, is that okay?”

_Jackie._

“Yeah, of course,” she said, trying to hide the flooding of feelings happening inside her. “I’d love to know what you think of it.”

Jan smiled, and as if she hadn’t destroyed enough of Jackie’s walls yet, stepped forward to give her a hug. “Goodnight, Jackie.”

Again, _Jackie._

“Goodnight Jan.”

In all the time she spent asking, all the effort other people made to appease her wishes, not a single person called her by her name since her husband died.

Jan yawned and waved one more time before leaving. Jackie sat down by the fire once more, closed her eyes, and did her best to hear Jan’s voice in her head, saying her name, just like that, easiest thing in the world.

No chance she could put it down now.

What the hell was she going to do?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: Jan and Jackie meet at the castle's library by accident
> 
> this chapter: Maybe they can't stop thinking about each other, and there's a surprise on the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to the wonderful Meggie who helped me with these next two chapters.

Jan was knitting at the kitchens, listening to Heidi talk as she worked on a pot of soup for the staff dinner. Nina was fumbling with the firewood and had the tips of her ears blackened by soot. It was just the three of them, as it was most days at that time of the evening. Except for Tuesdays and Saturdays when Jan would go to the library. Her inner battle not to think about those nights too much was already lost today.

In fact, she was already so immersed in thought that she interrupted Heidi in the middle of a sentence to talk about Jackie out of the blue. “Why is the queen always so cold?”

Heidi gave out an outraged gasp at being interrupted and didn’t respond. Nina leaned up from her position at the ovens with a funny look on her face, like she knew what Jan was hiding. But Jan wasn’t hiding anything.

“Have you seen her? She’s skinnier than my pinky finger,” said Nina. “Besides, she comes from a warm place, she’s not used to the cold nights we get out here.”

“Damp too,” completed Heidi.

“But hasn’t she lived here for like, a decade?” asked Jan.

“More, actually,” said Heidi, taking a few leaves off of a branch that hung from the ceiling to add to her soup. Technically, the spices were for court food only, but nobody was counting.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean she has to like it,” said Nina, grabbing a metal tool to poke the fire. “I’ve lived here all my life and I don’t even like it.”

Jan chuckled.

“I think she uses the cold as an excuse sometimes, too,” said Heidi. “You know, when she wants to get away with walking around at night.”

“What do you mean get away? She’s the queen, she can do whatever she wants,” argued Jan.

“She can’t, sweetie,” said Nina compassionately. “She really can’t.”

Jan furrowed her brows, trying to decipher whatever Nina was implying, but Heidi kept talking. “I bet if she could she would spend all day here.”

“Oh, she loves the kitchens,” said Nina.

“Really?” Jan had never seen Jackie around ever since the night they met.

“Yeah,” said Heidi with a smile. “I like it when she’s here, the kids behave and everything. Plus, you know, she listens to me for a change.”

“And,” said Nina pointedly, “because she’s nice and we like her as a person.”

“Oh yeah, that too.”

“You know, if she weren’t the queen,” continued Nina, “we could easily have been very good friends.”

“Why can’t you be good friends now?” asked Jan, confused.

“Come one, Jan, we smell like grease all the time, and Nina has soot on her ears,” said Heidi.

“I do?” asked Nina, immediately bringing her hands to her ears and getting soot on the entire side of her neck.

“She’s the queen,” continued Heidi. “The woman’s earrings are worth more than the three of us put together times ten.”

“So what?” questioned Jan, her knitting abandoned. She was trying to keep her cheerful demeanor on, but she was getting agitated with the discussion. “If you like her company, what do her earrings have to do with it?”

“It’s like we said: if she could, she would be here every day. But she can’t, so we don’t see her very often, so we’re not friends,” explained Nina. “It’s not a conspiracy theory. She’s the queen, so she has to be seen a certain way, that’s all.”

“She doesn’t belong here,” said Heidi.

“You get to see her a lot, though,” said Nina like a peace offering. “Being her chambermaid. So it’s not the same thing as us.”

“Yeah, maybe you can become her confidante or something,” suggested Heidi. “Bring us some gossip from the court, too. Like a waiting-lady.”

“Lady in Waiting,” corrected Nina.

“Right, that.”

The idea tasted sour in Jan’s mouth. To become Jackie’s personal shoulder to cry on, without ever offering any kind of real friendship back. Without giggles while sitting on the floor, without murmuring secrets as if the books had ears, without even holding her head high enough to see Jackie’s eyes shine by the fire. Just a cold, one-sided work relationship that could be performed by any other girl.

“Maybe we could do something for her, like a picnic or something. Oh, that would be so cute!” said Jan excitedly, steering the conversation and going back to her knitting. It was better than fighting about something nobody could control.

Nina liked the idea, and the three of them began throwing suggestions for the queen’s picnic that became more and more absurd as time went by. At a certain point, it became pretty obvious that, at least for Heidi and Nina, something like that could only happen in a fantasy.

They kept talking until the cooks’ work was done, but instead of walking together to their rooms like they usually did, Nina pulled Jan aside just outside of the kitchen’s doors.

“I want to show you something.”

\--

Not making googly eyes at Jan was an impossible task, Jackie decided. All she could do was hope that she wasn't making the other woman uncomfortable with her total lack of subtlety. Other people probably had noticed it already, too. Nobody said anything so far, but nobody said anything to Jackie, ever. Not things of that nature, anyway.

Jackie was always painfully aware that she was the queen. She craved little moments of rest when every small action didn't put a whole kingdom in check, but they were rare and came with no short amount of doubt. Often she asked herself if the few fragile friendships she managed to cultivate over the years were, in fact, just politeness of other people.

Jackie as a person might as well not even exist. Only her image was important. Her decisions, her politics, her job. Nobody ever asked how she was feeling unless it mattered for their line of work. Nobody cared if she was cold at night, as long as during the day she was up to do her job. Of course, if she _asked_ somebody would do something about it, but that was not the point. The point was that it never crossed people's minds, even with how often she complained about it.

That's what she missed most about her husband. The laughter they would share, the casual complaints about horrible weather or tight shoes without any weight behind it. The way Charlie would know when Jackie needed a breather, and when she needed a hug. He would always make sure somebody brought a hot pot of tea to his room, just in case Jackie was cold and would wander there. Every night, just in case, even though they never slept in the same room and he didn’t even like tea himself.

After he passed away, the servants started bringing tea to her room instead, but she asked them to stop. It would just make her sad. Sometimes, in the beginning, she would find herself wandering to his room at night and suddenly remember, in the middle of the hallway, that he would not be there anymore. On one of those nights, for some reason, she went to the library instead of back to bed. New life, new habits.

Charlie truly was her best friend, and even with the lovers both of them collected over the years, nobody ever understood her like he did. But maybe Jan could get there, if only Jackie let her. She kept telling herself that that was just lies her heart was fabricating, but it was so easy to believe when she was looking at shiny blue eyes under warm firelight.

"I have something for you," said Jan one particular night at the library. They never openly spoke about having these scheduled meetings late at night, and yet both were always there at exactly the right time.

“What is it?” asked Jackie, not as curious as she sounded since half her mind was still lost in the ocean of Jan’s eyes. They were partly hidden as the girl was trying (unsuccessfully) not to smile.

“We have to go somewhere for me to show you,” said Jan, getting up and breaking Jackie out of her reverie.

Jackie grimaced, cozying up closer to the fire. “I don’t wanna.”

“Come oooon.” Jan chuckled, pulling Jackie by the hand to try and get her up.

Jackie went limp in response. “Show me tomorrow, let’s just stay here now.”

Jan let go of her hand, which was a bummer. But then she knelt down and Jackie was flooded by her scent and it was not so bad. “Please, Jackie, you’ll love it so much!”

Jan didn't call her Jackie outside of the library. It was like it was their own private world, where their conversations were kept apart from reality. Where Jackie was just Jackie who liked books and told stories with way too many voices and expressions, and Jan was just Jan who liked to sing and had too much energy at any time of day. So Jackie kind of wished they could live there forever, and would never in her right mind leave her personal paradise any sooner than she had to.

But she wasn’t fooling even herself if she ever thought that she could say no to Jan.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: Jan wants to show Jackie something. What is it? 
> 
> this chapter: we find out what the surprise is, and how it deepens Jackie's feelings for Jan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the Farsi bits are 100% google translated, I'm sorry for any inconsistencies.

Jackie was cold again, proving that no matter how much spiritual warmth Jan provided, she was not, in fact, a human furnace. They were walking the castle hallways that at this time of night were as silent as the dead, except for the occasional wind whistle that only made everything scarier and even colder.

At first, Jackie had been kind of excited. Jan on a mission was the cutest thing, a smile on the corner of her lips and a joyful energy in every step as she guided Jackie through the castle, as if she could possibly know it better than the actual owner of it. But then, Jackie began to recognize the path they were taking, and her heart was feeling heavier at each corner they turned. She hoped she was wrong about their destination, but the more they walked, the more it seemed to be the only possibility, and the colder Jackie would get.

“Jan, where are we going?” asked Jackie not for the first time, but lacking any humor behind it. It sounded like an order and she hated herself for it.

“It’s gonna be good, I promise,” said Jan a few steps ahead, still excited.

Jackie stopped. They had turned the corridor to Charlie’s room. There was no way Jan was leading her to the lavatory across the hall or the empty balcony at the end of it. No, they were going to his room, a place she hasn’t entered in five years, and wasn’t planning to change that any time soon.

Jan realized she was walking alone after a couple of seconds. She turned back with a kind smile that only made Jackie angry. It looked condescending, as if Jan was saying that she was being stupid for being so hung up on someone that died so long ago, that her suffering wasn’t justifiable anymore, that it was time to deal with it like a big girl and stop being dumb.

“I know it’s hard,” said Jan, not actually reflecting any of Jackie’s twisted thoughts. She approached the brunette, took her hands, and gave them a firm squeeze. Jan’s hands were always warm. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I won’t make you, but I promise this is a good thing. It’s something he left for you, and I think you should see it. But we can turn around if you want.”

Jackie let a tear fall. It was too much but Jan was there, kind and wonderful Jan, and it made Jackie feel like maybe she could do it. Maybe she could go in that room and everything was going to be fine because Jan would be holding her hand through it. So she nodded, and they walked the rest of the way hand in hand. Jan took a key from a pocket in her dress and unlocked the door, swinging it wide. She let go of Jackie’s hand to press her palm against the queen’s back, not ushering, just grounding. Jackie took a deep breath, looked at Jan one last time, and walked in.

The room was dark, unsurprisingly. Moonlight leaked from the high windows but it wasn’t enough for Jackie to see anything. From the shadows, she noticed the furniture wasn’t arranged as she remembered. In fact, she couldn’t even tell where the bed was anymore. Her heart was racing as Jan went around the room, lighting candles and providing light little by little, as if unwrapping the room for Jackie slowly so she could take it in small portions.

The colors invaded Jackie’s eyes even in the dim light. The walls were now painted in intricate detail, in different shades of blue creating shapes and lines so beautiful it was breathtaking. The bed was indeed gone, and so was every other piece of furniture that previously adorned Charlie’s room. Instead, there were pillows and carpets and loveseats, colorful and with beautiful patterns that could only have come from one place: home.

Jackie spun around as Jan lit the other side of the room. There was a wardrobe that matched the room, and Jackie asked herself how she could have missed such a big thing getting delivered to the castle. But her attention was soon pulled elsewhere. As Jan finally lit the fireplace, a bookshelf came into view, filled to the brim but simple in its form. Jackie went closer, and absolutely lost it when she realized what was so special about it.

“They’re in Farsi!” she exclaimed, rushing to take a book in her hands, flip through it, run her fingers over the words as if she could absorb the stories into herself. She had to be careful so her tears didn’t stain the pages. “I can’t believe I still understand it, it’s been so long. Oh my god, I can almost smell my mother’s perfume.” She hugged the book before placing it ever so carefully back on the shelf. She turned around and saw Jan standing by the fire, watching her with wet eyes and a big smile.

With so much going on, you couldn’t really blame Jackie for losing control and throwing herself into Jan’s arms.

“Thank you,” said Jackie, overwhelmed with happiness, holding Jan tight but somehow managing to keep from burying her nose on Jan’s hair.

“I didn’t do anything,” Jan chuckled, holding Jackie back. So, so warm. “It was all him.”

“I wouldn’t have come back here for the rest of my life if it wasn’t for you,” said Jackie, pulling back so she could look Jan in the eye. “I’m serious, thank you.”

Jan blushed, and Jackie never wanted to kiss her more. It was thrilling and dangerous at the same time.

“Now how did that man do all this from the grave?” said Jackie, louder than she expected, taking a step back.

“With very specific instructions and a series of foreign artists, I’m told.”

“By whom? Who am I going to give a raise to, tell me!”

Jan laughed but didn’t tell, clearly keeping someone’s secret.

“It was Nina, wasn’t it?” accused Jackie. “I’m gonna have a talk with her later.”

“Read a story for me?” asked Jan softly, and everything else was immediately forgotten. “I don’t mind if I don’t understand it, I just want to hear you talk.” She sat down on one of the pillows near the fireplace. There were no mighty chairs there, just nice big pillows placed at a comfortable distance, over a beautiful carpet that no one else would dare get covered with ash.

Jackie picked a book at random and sat down, stretching her legs towards the fire to warm her feet up, and began to read. The foreign words tasted wonderfully familiar on her tongue, like her mouth missed making those shapes and producing those sounds. Jan was looking at her like she hung the sun, and Jackie couldn’t help but cheat a little. She kept her eyes on the book, but the words coming out of her mouth were not the ones on the page.

“شما خیلی زیبا هستین."

_You’re so beautiful_

“لبخند شما بهترین قسمت روز من است"

_Your smile is the best part of my day_

"اگه عاشق تو باشم چی؟"

_What if I’m in love with you?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: Jan leads Jackie to a magical room made just for her by her late husband.
> 
> this chapter: Jan has done so much for Jackie, she just wants to give back, but how?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took so long y'all, I had technical issues plus it was a hard one to write! I hope you guys like it. 
> 
> Thank you Meggie for helping me sort it out and feel like it's good enough <3

If you traveled south for about two days on horse and then west for three more days, you’d enter King James’ lands. He was married to Queen Hilary and together they had five children and two grandchildren. Not even a mile away from his castle, there was a mighty house. Three floors, twelve bedrooms, an army of servants, all for one single noblewoman. It had been a gift from King James. Nobody had to ask what that particular woman did to deserve such extravagant presents from the king himself.

North of King James’ kingdom lived Count Smith. He wasn’t as rich as a king, but some would argue he was just as influential. At fifty years old, the man never married, but his house was always full. It was a common practice among young men in the area to fall in his good graces with the purpose of being invited to live in his manor. That not only put a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, but the count could get them well-paying jobs in any field they had an interest in, no matter their abilities. There was even a story of one of his protegés becoming a duke by marriage, solely by the count’s influence.

Not that far from Jackie’s kingdom, lived the Richards. Theirs was a prosperous kingdom, bigger in population than most around the area. Queen Maryanne Richards liked to throw parties. At one of them, someone noticed that a servant had emerald earrings on. From then on, it became a sort of game between any guests to the palace to look for expensive adornments on maids, butlers, even stable-boys. No matter what social event you’d attend, the Richards would come up in conversation and someone would have a theory about who was cheating on whom with which servant. It was even the go-to topic when a conversation was falling into boredom: “what about the Richards, eh? Have you heard about the new pearl bracelet?”

The point was, Jan deserved the world, and Jackie wanted to give it to her.

Since the day she led Jackie to Charlie’s old room, the queen felt like she wouldn’t be unhappy ever again. Inside those four walls, Jackie was in her own world. A gift from a person she thought couldn’t give her anything anymore, made just for her in every detail, carefully planned and always available. It was perfect, and she would never have found it if it weren’t for Jan.

Even if she had stumbled upon it by accident, she doubted she would have felt as free to enjoy it as she did now, without any sadness behind it. Because she was already happier before it happened, and most of all happier without guilt. Without the feeling that she didn’t have the right to joy when Charlie wasn’t there to share it with her. The world was in bright colors again, and it was thanks to Jan.

The two of them kept meeting in the library because as much as the room was Jackie’s particular world, the nights at the library were their world together. Jan sang among the books late at night and Jackie wanted her to have a bigger stage, for the world to see and love that beautiful voice like she did, like Jan deserved. She would twirl in her simple garment and Jackie wanted to give her a nicer dress. Brighter like her personality, maybe purple since she loved the color so much, no matter how expensive that kind of fabric was.

The hardest part was that Jackie could do it so easily. She could do all that and more. Jackie could give her so much. And she wanted to! Not only because of how much she genuinely believed Jan deserved it, but also as a thank you. Jan had changed her entire life for the better and Jackie had done nothing in return.

But Jan did not deserve to become gossip like King James’ “friend” or the Richards’ servants. And Jackie did not want to give her the idea that she was trying to make her a mistress, no matter how much she wished something of that nature could happen between them. Fantasize as she might, Jackie couldn’t figure out a way to make a thoughtful gesture, or even just show her gratitude, without any kind of power-related implications. She couldn’t simply stop being the queen for a minute to make sure Jan would feel comfortable to tell Jackie if she was crossing any lines.

Those feelings were too big, however. Jackie couldn’t keep them in any longer. Maybe if she just did something nice for Jan as a friend, she would be able to keep those pesky romantic feelings at bay for a little longer. Hopefully she would be able to come across as friendly and not as a creepy boss giving nice things to the pretty young subordinate in the hope they would feel guilty enough to sleep with her.

In the end, she did what she always did when she felt overwhelmed about something. She went to the kitchens.

\--

Making beds was not Jan’s life-long dream, but she didn’t mind. Cleaning the chamber-pots she minded a little bit, but it was fine. She knew the kind of work people were forced to do to make a living, and compared to that her life was luxurious. And she had friends, too. Not only the girls in the kitchen and her one-of-a-kind friendship with Jackie, but also gardeners, washers, even a few people from the village. She had her own money, slept in a good bed, smiled every day. She was fine, truly.

It just felt a little empty sometimes.

Jan was used to the flatness of life by now. It wasn’t like her life before working in the castle was thrilling either. With her mother dead by the time she was ten, Jan had to grow up practically overnight. She learned with time to look for the silver linings, or else she wouldn’t survive, but the fact was that she had to start working from a very young age and never stopped. Having time to dream used to be a luxury.

At the time of her mother’s passing, Jan had known her stepdad for no more than a year. She remembered the feelings much more than the facts. There was excitement: her mother was giving birth. Then surprise: it was twins, two little blessings coming to this world. Then everything blurred into worry, women running in and out of the bedroom that Jan wasn’t allowed in, her stepdad yelling, and then, just like that, there were babies crying and her mother was no more.

Jan never loved her stepdad, could never call him father, but she loved her brothers. It never even crossed her mind to resent them for what happened. If anything, they were the one good thing that came out of it. They were two tiny adorable things that didn’t deserve to be motherless either, and they needed her. The man that was supposed to be their parent was falling into a spiral of vices and sadness he would never get out of, so Jan took care of them as much as she could. She asked the neighbors for help when they were little, did chores in exchange for a coin or two, and lived as though that was all there was to life for sixteen years.

And then, in the blink of an eye, everything was gone. Her stepdad lost a game, decided to leave, and took his children with him while Jan was out at the river washing laundry for the lady down the street. She went back home and they were simply not there, their clothes and shoes gone together with whatever food they could carry. The stranger who now owned Jan's house had to be the one to explain everything to her, but he didn't have a clue as to where her family might have gone either.

At that point, the twins were teenagers already. They got on Jan's nerves more often than not. She didn't like having to act like their mother. She didn't like the fights or the mood swings or the senseless rebellion. But what she discovered she hated the most was not having them around anymore. She had never considered that to be a possibility, and suddenly it became a reality without warning. Nothing made sense anymore.

How long ago was that already? Almost a year. It felt a lot like grief, but at the same time there was no closure, just that big sense of nothingness, that false hope that at any moment she might have some news, any news, that would let her heart rest. But nothing ever came and the emptiness became routine.

She would have gotten used to it, if not for the nights at the library. They were like a glimpse at what life could actually feel like, and the hope was almost overwhelming. Jan was allowed to sing and dance, and Jackie would look at her like there was never a better performer in the world. Or Jackie would tell a story, and Jan’s entire world would stop to listen, to light up from within every time Jackie smiled.

It was scary. Jan was acutely aware of the fragility of their friendship, given their social status. She almost expected Jackie to pretend not to know her in front of other people, but she never did, and Jan’s trust in her would run deeper every day.

Jan didn’t want a single person to hold the key to her happiness. She’d had enough people taken away from her already to know that it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. And yet, without ever talking about it, she and Jackie added a night to their library meetings. Three times a week now, they would go to the library and just stay there, together, with no schedules or goals in mind. They never went to Jackie’s new special room, or her regular room, not even to the kitchens to steal a snack. The library was their sacred space.

Until a particular night when Jan pulled Jackie by the hand and decided they were going on an adventure.

\--

“Have you ever been to the top of the west tower?” Jackie asked the question fully lying on the floor in front of the library’s fireplace. Jan was sitting on one of the chairs a few feet away, knitting and humming. She was so beautiful Jackie hadn’t done anything but watch her for the past half hour. Her blonde waves were down, falling around her shoulders and Jackie wanted to run her fingers through them badly.

“Not really,” Jan answered, not looking up from her needles. “What’s up there?”

“Nothing, just a nice view,” said Jackie, shifting slightly to regain the flow of blood in her numb arm. “Try to go about half an hour after the sun sets, it’s really nice.”

“Let’s go right now.” Jan went from mildly interested to very excited in a heartbeat, and quickly put her knitting supplies back in the bag she brought with her.

Jackie chuckled. “There’s nothing to see now, Jannifer, it’s the middle of the night.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Jan excitedly, offering a hand to help Jackie up. “Lead the way.”

\--

Jackie would have laughed at Jan’s dramatic heaving as they reached the top of the west tower if she weren’t pretty out of breath herself. She didn’t remember having such a hard time climbing the truly atrocious amount of steps before, but then again it had been a few years since she’d been there. Probably more than she was willing to admit.

While Jan laid on the floor with an arm over her face, in a theater-worthy dramatic performance, Jackie walked over to the ledge. The top of the tower was not very big. It was designed to keep watch over the castle in times of war and signal warnings, but not as a strategic point of attack. As it were, the walking space could probably hold no more than twenty people crammed together all around. But just for the two of them, it was perfectly fine.

Jackie looked down at her kingdom. As she predicted, there wasn’t much to see. It was dark, the moon was crescent and it was too late for the fires to be lit in many of the houses down in the village. Jackie liked to come here after dusk, see all the houses lit up, people walking home at the end of the day, life about to rest for the night. She rested her arms on the cold stone of the ledge that was about her chest in height, trying to figure out where the houses ended and the forest began.

She sensed Jan moving but didn’t turn to look until she was standing beside her, leaning on the ledge too, the candle they had carried all the way from the library left on the floor next to the stairs. Jackie turned her head as if her eyes were being pulled by a magnet. As if Jan was the only thing worth watching no matter what. Her blonde hair was reflecting the moonlight as if shining from within, and Jackie believed for a moment that Jan was actually magical.

“What did you mean there’s nothing to see? I think it’s pretty amazing,” said Jan, and Jackie stopped gawking for a second to follow her gaze and see what she was looking at. The clouds being carried by the wind were thin and sparse. They didn’t cover most of the sky and if you looked up and away from the moon, the stars were putting up a show, and Jan was smiling at them.

“Oh,” said Jackie. It had been a while since she had looked up at the night sky. Up there in the tower, there were no trees or other buildings blocking their vision. The world was infinite, going on forever and ever on all sides. Even the clouds, floating so impossibly high, seemed close when compared to the vastness of the stars. “I was thinking about the village,” she murmured, mesmerized by the view.

Jackie felt like she could stay looking up forever and she would never manage to quite see everything. Unfortunately a particularly strong gust of wind reminded her that, no matter the ethereal journey of the mind, the body was still very much there, and very much cold.

“So that’s why I never come here anymore,” said Jackie, hugging herself tightly to try and keep her shivers down. “I’ll freeze to death.”

Jan laughed, and of all the things she could have said, of all the things she could have done, she did the one thing Jackie couldn’t see coming from a mile away. She stepped closer and hugged her, offering her own body heat as a coat against the cold night.

Jackie could have melted if she weren’t actually freezing. The air left her lungs all at once as she opened her arms and hugged Jan back instinctively, and then purposefully. Jan’s hair was close to Jackie’s face and it was a true feat not to nuzzle into it. She was soft and warm, and Jackie lost once again all hope of keeping her feelings under wraps.

“Better?” asked Jan with a smile on her voice.

“Yeah,” breathed Jackie, giving in just a little and resting her face on Jan’s shoulder, facing away from her neck. Her heart was beating so loudly she wouldn’t be surprised if Jan commented on it. “Thanks.”

There was a moment of silence, as if the hug was saying everything for them. Jackie could tell Jan was still looking up, but she herself closed her eyes, breathed in, tried not to think too much. Jan started rubbing her back sort of absentmindedly and it was so good Jackie felt like she didn’t deserve it. She wondered what it would be like to fall asleep like that. She hoped to find out one day, doing her best not to think about how wrong it was to have that hope.

“Your hands are so cold,” said Jan softly, like she didn’t mind. The fabric of her long-sleeved dress was thick, so Jackie’s hands must feel like icicles for the coldness to pass through it.

“Sorry.” Jackie hurried to step back, to not cause any discomfort. She regretted it immediately, but now it was done and she had no excuse to step back into Jan’s embrace.

“It’s fine,” said Jan anyway, reaching for Jackie’s hand and holding it in both of hers, rubbing gently, trying to warm them up. She was looking down, focused on the task, and Jackie felt like her heart was too big for her chest.

“Jan,” prompted Jackie so the girl would look at her. “I can bring your brothers back if you want.”

Jan drew a sharp breath, stopped the motions of her hands but didn’t let go, instead gripping Jackie’s hand tighter. She looked at Jackie as if waiting for the other shoe to drop and didn’t say anything, so Jackie continued:

“I know you don’t know where they are, but I can find out. Well, I can have someone find it out. And they’re technically my subjects, so I can bring them back just like that.” She covered Jan’s hands with her free one, trying to make her understand that this would be so easy it would barely count. “If you want.”

“I—” Jan’s eyes were wet and it looked like she was having trouble processing everything. Maybe Jackie shouldn’t have said it out of the blue like that. “I don’t want to force them to do anything. Maybe they’re better off—” Jan cut herself off, smiled and shrugged. “Maybe they’re better off wherever they are.”

 _Maybe they’re better off without me_ , she clearly meant to say.

“How about a letter, huh?” They were still holding hands, gripping to one another. If Jan kept looking like that, Jackie would start crying too. “You can write something for them, and they can write back, and then you decide if you want them brought back or not. How about that?”

“They can’t write,” said Jan. It was like she was giving up on the idea solely for the purpose of making herself sad. Well, not on Jackie’s watch.

“I’ll make sure to send somebody who can then, so they can dictate it. And even if they decide to stay, it shouldn’t be so hard to find someone to write letters in their new village. There’s always someone. You can keep in touch.”

Jackie could see the gears turning on Jan’s head. She was looking for a reason to say no and not finding any. The hope was visibly growing inside her, lighting up her face in a beautiful crescent.

“Okay,” Jan sniffed. She finally let go of Jackie’s hand to hide her own face, but not before Jackie could see it contorted as she tried to not cry.

Jackie couldn’t stop herself. She stepped closer and hugged Jan.

“They must think I don’t love them anymore.” Jan was truly crying now, face hidden in the crook of Jackie’s neck, who was now petting the blonde’s head. She was finally touching Jan’s hair, but she didn’t want it to be like this. “They probably don’t even think about me.”

“How could they ever forget you? You’re their sister, they love you.” Jackie wanted her to stop crying, to stop suffering. She wanted to wake up one of her men right now and find these boys immediately. “I’m sorry I didn’t offer earlier. I thought about doing it as a surprise to you, but I didn’t want to cross any lines, I—”

“No, Jackie.” Jan pulled back, her face red, tear-stained and kind of swollen, but she still looked beautiful. She framed Jackie’s face as if to make sure the queen didn’t look away. “Thank you. Thank you so much. This is… so generous of you. And it’s so nice that you asked. I would have loved it anyway, it’s such a kind thing to do and you didn’t have to, but it’s just so thoughtful of you to ask.”

They were so close. Jan’s thumb caressed Jackie’s cheek in what was probably an unconscious gesture and Jackie wanted to kiss her. She needed to. She could, it would take such a small movement. Just a tilt of the head and a small lean forward and their lips would meet. Maybe Jan wouldn’t mind. Maybe she would like it too.

But maybe she wouldn’t.

And maybe she wouldn’t know how to say it. Because Jackie was the queen.

“First thing in the morning,” said Jackie, closing her eyes, trying to get Jan out of her mind even though she could still feel her touch. “I’ll send Marco. He’s a nice guy, good with people. He can snoop around while you write your letter, and I’ll make sure he has it before he goes anywhere too far away.”

“Thank you, Jackie,” said Jan again, pulling her in for another hug.

Jackie looked up, saw the stars that didn’t seem so incredible now, felt the piercing cold contrast with Jan’s warmth, as if to remind her that nothing could be 100 percent good. “Let’s get back inside,” she said finally. “I’m cold.”

She wished the cold could also be inside her heart.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: Jackie promised to find Jan's family, and they had a sweet moment at the top of the tower. 
> 
> this chapter: Jan receives a letter and her reaction is not the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you Meggie <3

The letter came on a Monday and way sooner than Jan had thought possible, but she supposed things worked differently when you had official papers in your pocket. It was from Wyatt, her baby brother, though it was written by somebody else, probably Marco, the guy who went looking for him.

The letter was short, and it didn’t tell Jan much about her brothers’ situation. Apparently her stepdad hadn’t changed much, and the boys had been fending from themselves. But they were practically adults by now, so Jan had no reason to worry too much (though she did anyway). Wyatt promised to consider coming back but his twin, William, had found a girlfriend at their new village and was thinking about marriage already.

Marco brought some extra information too, and Jan discovered her family was now living at the coast. It had apparently been a spur-of-the-moment decision on the part of her stepdad who was thinking about becoming a fisherman. Marco said the boys looked fine, if a bit too grown up for their age. Jan knew that feeling too well, but there was nothing she could do about it now. He talked the place up, but Jan had a suspicion that it was just to make her feel better or to make her comfortable about asking Marco to go back with as many letters as she wanted.

Jan thanked him, even if he made the job sound like a vacation. She put the letter carefully in her dress pocket and promised to bring Marco a reply soon enough so he could enjoy the beach once more. She went back to her duties for the day, and after three more hours of tidying up she could finally go to her room and cry.

Jan was not a subtle crier, and It was a real feat to keep the noise down. The staff rooms were pretty close together and Jan didn’t want Nina to hear her and bust through the door asking what was wrong. She didn’t even know herself. She was happy to find her brothers alive and well, happy to know they were taking care of each other and moving on with their lives. She had been so worried and now there was no reason to worry anymore. Everything was fine.

But they didn’t seem to miss her too much, now did they? She couldn’t even tell if Wyatt had been happy or angry or just indifferent when dictating that letter. Sure, Marco said they were doing well and were happy to get in touch, but he wouldn’t want to make Jan sad by saying something like “oh, they didn’t care much for writing back. I had to insist, you know how these things are, but I'm sure you’ll get back in their graces soon enough!” Why would he, even if it was the truth?

It seemed like she knew so little and it was already too much. William was thinking about getting married? He wasn’t even 18 yet! Would she be invited? What if Wyatt came back, what was her plan? Have him live in the castle with her? What if he didn’t? Was he going to become a fisherman? Wasn’t that dangerous? And what was Jan supposed to do then?

What was Jan supposed to do now?

Jan was used to being useful. She had been needed her entire life. There was always too much to do, too many things to take care of, too many people to manage. Now she was all alone, and finding she may never have been that needed in the first place. It was disheartening to say the least. But it also meant that she was free, right? Free to do whatever her heart desired without worrying about anybody else. Free to follow her dreams knowing her brothers were okay. Nothing was stopping her.

Free to be alone.

Monday was not a library day, but Jan wiped her face and went there anyway. She found Jackie browsing the mystery section as if she already knew she would be there. Her dark hair was in a loose braid that Jan had done herself earlier that night, except a few strands had fallen astray at that point, curling around her face and making the queen look even more delicate than usual.

Jan allowed herself a minute to admire Jackie without being noticed. It was comforting, calming. Jackie was focused on the spines of the books in front of her, a crease between her brows that Jan wanted to touch and make go away. Her beauty was enthralling. Hypnotizing. It felt like a solid piece of her soul.

“What would you do if you could do anything at all?” said Jan with no preamble. She expected Jackie to jump, but she didn’t. She didn’t even turn around.

“I’m the queen, I can already do anything I want,” said Jackie in a flat tone.

“No you can’t,” scoffed Jan, leaning against a shelf and crossing her arms. She turned her head up, tried to appreciate the ceiling decorations instead of staring at the woman next to her.

“Yeah, I really can’t,” said Jackie simply. She looked at Jan, who caught the movement in the corner of her eye. “What would you do?”

Jan sighed, threw her arms up. “Who knows?” She began pacing and Jackie stopped her browsing to watch her with an amused look on her face. “Sing, right? That’s what you’d expect me to say. But how does someone even become a singer? And how do people live like that? Doing operas? I’ve never been to an opera. I can’t sing like that, all I know are common folk songs. Maybe I don’t even want that, maybe I want to be in theater, use my voice on stage. Did you know that not all kingdoms allow women to be actresses? Heidi told me that. Do _you_ let women be actresses? And what if I’m good at something else I don’t even know? What if it’s my destiny to, I don’t know, become a gardener or something like that? I’m not the best with plants, actually. Why did I say a gardener? What a boring job—”

“Jan—”

“—but what does it matter anyway? I have no means to make any of that happen. My dreams have to range between washing clothes and making beds, now that’s realistic. Maybe getting a husband, why can’t that be my dream? Why can’t I long for staying at home taking care of children? Now that’s an achievable goal. I even have experience on the matter. I dare say I would be great at it! Look at the children I took care of, out in the world, taking care of themselves, becoming good men, I—”

“Jan,” said Jackie firmly and yet kindly. She stopped Jan’s pacing with a gentle grip on her shoulders. Her hands were always so cold. “Did you get your brothers’ letter today?”

Jan nodded, suddenly lost for words. She suspected the next thing she said would inevitably culminate in her crying again, and one time staining Jackie’s dress with tears was enough.

“I’m so glad to know they’re okay.” Jackie smiled softly, trailed hands down Jan’s arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake, stopping once she reached her hands, holding them gently. “It sounds like you’re proud of them.”

Jan softened, felt a smile bloom in the corner of her lips. “They’re taking care of each other. William is even thinking about marriage.”

“Marriage! He’s a child!”

“I know, right?” Jan chuckled. Without thinking, she stepped forward into a hug and laid her head on Jackie’s chest.

The queen immediately started combing her fingers through Jan’s hair. It was very soothing. “How long have they even known each other? Six months?”

“Didn’t you marry a man you hadn’t even met before?”

“Exactly. Don’t do it if you don’t have to.”

Jan chuckled faintly. She could fall asleep with Jackie playing with her hair like that. She kind of wanted to.

A moment passed where the only sounds were the fire crackling and the night alive outside. Jackie spoke softly, practically a whisper delivered right to Jan’s ear: “You can do absolutely anything you want to do.”

“What if I can’t?” murmured Jan just as softly. “What if I never find the right thing?”

“You know what I’d do if I could do anything?”

“End bigotry?”

Jackie laughed and Jan could feel it against her face. “Well, besides that and world peace.”

“The basics. No more hunger. Everybody dies in their 90s.”

“Wow! How many wishes do we get? I might throw in flying carpets next.”

Jan chuckled. Jackie smelled like flowers, and Jan took a deep breath before stepping back. She wanted to look at Jackie’s face. “What would you do if you could do anything at all?” she asked once more.

“You ruined my moment,” replied Jackie.

Jan pinched Jackiés side, shocking the queen into a laughing gasp. “Come on, what were you going to say?” She tickled Jackie again.

“Alright!” laughed Jackie, giving in pretty quickly. Jan stopped her attack but remained close. “I was going to say,” Jackie lifted a hand to caress Jan’s cheek. Both of their smiles softened. “That if I could do anything at all, I’d make every single one of your dreams come true, even if they lasted only five minutes.”

Jan’s heart did a somersault and immediately started beating like there was no tomorrow. She wasn’t expecting that. Still taken aback, she suddenly noticed the way Jackie’s gaze flicked to her lips for just a moment, and as if a dam had broken inside of her, Jan _wanted_. She wanted so much and so strongly she didn’t think she would survive if Jackie didn’t kiss her right now.

“But since you ruined my moment, I think I’ll wish for that flying carpet instead,” joked Jackie, winking and letting her hand fall from Jan’s face.

“It’s not a genie, Jacqueline,” said Jan, but it was like she was watching herself say it. Her real self was still stuck in _wanting_.

“You didn’t make the rules,” retorted Jackie, turning her attention back to the shelf she had been browsing earlier as if the world hadn’t just turned upside down. But maybe it hadn’t, maybe it was just Jan’s.

“Yes I did, it was my hypothetical.” Jan walked to a padded chair nearby and sat down. How she was managing to sound normal was beyond her.

“You didn’t say it wasn’t a genie.” Jackie picked a book and flipped through it before sitting down on the chair next to Jan’s.

“I never mentioned any magical creatures.”

“What, complete freedom? Sounds magical to me.” Jackie placed the book on her lap and extended a hand to Jan over the armrests. “You’re going to be okay.”

Jan took Jackie’s hand, but she couldn’t look her in the eye. “I know,” she said.

But she really, really didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, the author: ugh, get together already!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: Jan receives a letter from her brothers and has a crisis about what to do with her own life. 
> 
> this chapter: a misunderstanding might ruin everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is gonna be alright y'all. In fiction and in real life. 
> 
> As always, thank you Meggie for reassuring me and making me sound ok <3

Days went by, and to a bystander, everything might have seemed normal, but to Jackie, it was as clear as day that it wasn’t. Jan smiled and laughed and sang but there was something missing, a hope that used to radiate from within her at any given point and that was now dimmed. She would lose herself in thought much more often, too, especially when it was just the two of them, as if she knew Jackie wouldn’t mind if she went quiet all of a sudden.

Jan felt lost. They talked about it a handful of times but it didn’t seem to help much. All Jackie wanted was to do something about it. Make a plan, go through it together, use all this stupid power she had for something selfish for once, something like making Jan happy. And yet Jackie found herself toeing this invisible line of appropriateness where she didn’t know what she could or couldn’t do. And for that, she felt powerless.

She didn’t even want to ask anybody for advice. Who knows what kind of rumor could sprout from that. Besides, she knew even the people she trusted the most wouldn’t say what she wanted to hear. Because deep down, Jackie knew she wanted somebody to tell her she couldn’t hope for anything at all. She wanted external confirmation that this was a foolish fairy tale that could never see the light of day. She wanted somebody to tell her no, to stop her, to force her heart to feel anything else, to beat for anybody else that wasn’t Jan, Jan, _Jan._

And then there was the touching.

Jackie couldn’t tell how they got to a place where touching each other casually became the norm. They would take each other’s hand when talking, play with each other’s hair when sitting together, hug for any and every reason, and a whole other plethora of small everyday touches that Jackie got so used to that she honestly didn’t think she could survive without.

As her chambermaid, it was part of Jan’s duties to help Jackie get dressed twice a day. Be it in the morning or the evening, it was always quiet, the light coming from the windows was soft, and Jan would touch Jackie like she was made of porcelain while helping her with her garments. The stillness of it heightened everything, making these moments the best and worse all at the same time.

It was just the two of them alone in Jackie’s room. Jan would help Jackie step out of her nightgown or the dress she wore during the day, and Jackie would let her. She would stand there in the undergarments perfectly tailored to her body as if she couldn’t even bend down to put her own stockings on. They would talk in murmurs and Jackie would feel Jan’s fingertips on her skin as if they were made of embers. She always tried her best not to fantasize about Jan pulling off her undershirt instead of helping her step into another set of clothes, but she didn’t always succeed.

“This color looks so good on you,” murmured Jan one particular morning. She was standing behind Jackie, lacing an emerald and gold dress to Jackie’s back. It was a long gown with a discreet neckline and short sleeves. It had a matching bolero that Jackie wasn’t wearing yet, leaving her arms bare to the goosebumps Jan was provoking.

Jackie had her eyes closed, relishing in Jan’s scent and trying to guess when she would feel her hand pressing at her skin again to adjust the fabric. “Thanks,” she said, barely even registering the compliment.

What she didn’t expect was that Jan would trace the line where fabric met skin, running a wide U against Jackie’s back with her delicate touch, simultaneously making the queen shiver and setting her insides ablaze. Jackie’s mouth fell open slightly and she leaned into it like her body was starving for more contact. Jan touched her so much, all the time, and it still wasn’t enough. She suspected it never would be.

“Is it new?” asked Jan. She planted the palm of her hands on Jackie’s shoulders and caressed down to her arms, smoothing down the fabric of her sleeves until she met skin again.

“I don’t know,” said Jackie hoarsely. She was kind of out of breath, but to be fair she hadn’t breathed normally since she saw Jan that morning. She couldn’t pinpoint why, but the blonde looked so beautiful today it was almost overwhelming. “I mean, no.” Jackie opened her eyes, tried to pull herself together. “I haven’t worn it in a while but it’s not new.”

Jan smiled. She stepped to Jackie’s side now, still touching her elbow as she rounded her to look at the dress’s front. “If I had a dress like that I’d never take it off.”

Who picked that dress? Jackie was wearing it every single day from now on. “I have too many clothes,” she breathed more than said.

Jan was so close. Jackie felt her fingers leaving her elbow to hold her hand. Her skin was prickling all over and all she could think about were Jan’s lips. They were magnetizing. Jackie should win an award for her self control at that moment because all she wanted to do was lean in. She should look away, look her in the eye, but she couldn’t.

Jan didn’t say anything. Jackie would know solely by the way she was staring at her mouth. But her smile softened into a smirk. Jackie looked up to see her eyes hooded. She was blushing too, and that was so endearing Jackie felt like her heart was trying to tighten itself to oblivion. Her eyes fell back to Jan’s lips on their own accord. They were still holding hands. Jan was so close Jackie could smell the lavender on her hair.

She should look away.

She should say something.

She shouldn’t be letting her eyes flutter close.

They shouldn’t be kissing.

This could only be a dream. Jackie didn’t feel in control of her body as her hands flew to the sides of Jan’s face and her lips slid against hers. Her brain all but checked out at the whimper that escaped Jan’s throat as Jackie licked her bottom lip. Jan opened up to her, pressed closer. Jackie felt desperate. Her gown was in the way of them getting as close as possible, and she was pretty sure they would end up tumbling to the floor at any moment, but Jan’s hands were on her back and Jan’s hair was in between her fingers and Jan’s mouth was on hers and nothing else mattered.

Jan captured Jackie’s lip between her teeth. “Jackie,” she whispered, so close Jackie could feel the tickling of her breath against her lips.

It was barely a sound, but it worked as a full-blown alert. Jackie sprung back, breathing as heavily as if she’d run a marathon. She looked at Jan, sweet, beautiful Jan who never said she wanted any of this. She was flushed and out of breath too, and while she didn’t look hurt, just a bit confused, Jackie knew she had just ruined everything.

Jackie’s eyes began to water. “I’m sorry,” she said.

Jan’s eyebrows creased and she searched Jackie’s face for an explanation. Jackie tried to come up with something, to think of what she could possibly say other than apologizing again. _I didn’t mean to force myself onto you._ Except she did, and there was no excuse for that now. _I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was being selfish, I’m sorry._

But before Jackie could babble out anything with the flimsy hope of making things better, Jan simply spun around and left. Without a word. Jackie was frozen in place, watching the door close, letting her tears fall.

\--

Jan felt like the single most stupid person on the planet. Her cheeks were burning and she was sure she was as red as a beetroot. She did her best to put a smile on her face as she passed the common areas on the way to her room, but she wasn’t fooling anyone.

How could she think kissing Jackie was okay?

She looked so beautiful, but she always looked beautiful in Jan’s eyes. Then they were standing so close and their fingers were linked together and Jackie was looking at her like that… It was as if an invisible force pulled Jan to her, and at the moment it felt like the rightest thing in the world. Jackie touched her face and Jan thought she didn’t want to let go, it didn’t occur to her that it could be the beginning of being pushed away. She thought the way Jackie groaned was because she wanted more, and not because she was protesting. So Jan kept going. Oh god, the more she thought about it, the worse it got.

In a way, she was glad she didn’t get to hear the rest of what Jackie had to say. _I’m sorry you thought this is where our friendship was going. I’m sorry, I don’t like you in that way._ Jackie would have been kind about it, Jan was sure. She would have found a way to blame herself for not corresponding to Jan’s own twisted feelings and it would have broken Jan’s heart even more. Jackie was so kind, so gentle. Her way of saying “No, get off of me” was to say “I’m sorry” and Jan loved her all the more because of it.

Wait, what?

Jan was closing the door of her room behind herself when the realization hit her. She couldn’t say it was a surprise; it seemed like the feeling had been growing and blossoming inside of her for so long she couldn’t possibly have ignored it. Maybe misnamed, judged it to be something else, but it was impossible to pretend she only noticed it now.

Still, she had never been in love before. She might have thought she was, especially when she was younger, but it had always been people she didn’t really know, infatuations that could never have been. It had nothing to do with this. No, this love was so big she couldn’t possibly hope to contain it. It was so strong she couldn’t even fathom it going away. Jackie was her best friend, her muse, the one to share the laughter and the sadness with, to make jokes about serious issues and talk seriously about silly topics. She was the one Jan went to when she needed to feel safe, the one she wanted to protect at all costs, the one she would always listen to and that would always listen to her.

Jackie was the one.

And she didn’t want Jan back.

It figured, really, that the one time Jan would open up to someone deeply enough to fall in love, they wouldn’t correspond to the feeling. What was she expecting anyway? Jackie was the queen. Sure, that didn’t come to mind most of the time when Jan thought of her, but it was an overpowering fact that dictated the nature of every single one of their actions, whether they wanted it to or not. Jan would never be enough for Jackie, no matter what she did. It was laughable to think she could ever be.

Jan sat on her bed feeling heavier than a mountain. She felt so despicable she didn’t even have the strength to cry. Her eyes fell onto the small pile of letters on her bedside table, words from her brothers, the only family she had left. “You would like it here,” one of them said.

It suddenly dawned on her that the solution to everything might be that simple. To have a purpose again, to go back to caring for her baby brothers, to give Jackie space and herself time to heal. She could do it all in one go.

All she had to do was leave.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: A kiss happened, but it was deeply misunderstood.
> 
> this chapter: Jackie learns that Jan decided to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok y'all, the story will have 10 chapters total plus an epilogue, and I'll probably add a smutty companion piece, so stay tuned! 
> 
> as always, thank you Meggie for reading it over. You're wonderful <3

Jackie was sitting at a very important meeting about… what was it about again? Crops, right. Crops. She couldn’t focus. This was bad. She wasn’t one to mix her personal issues with her job, and she had always been annoyed at people who did, but right now she just couldn’t stop thinking about Jan.

She couldn’t believe they’d kissed. It was wonderful and dreadful at the same time. Jackie wanted to apologize profusely but also do it again. It was a confusing mix of feelings and she was doing her absolute best to pay attention to what her counselors were saying, but at the same time, she knew that she had to come up with something to say to Jan when she saw her again later that day. God, did everything happen just that morning? How long had this meeting been going for?

It took a very conscious effort not to put her elbow on the table in front of her and rest her head for a minute. She hoped at least she looked interested, even if she wasn’t hearing a word coming out of the counselor’s mouth. She could still remember Jan’s taste, the softness of her lips, her breath on Jackie’s cheek.

The weak way she said her name, pleading for her to stop.

A movement at the corner of her eye caught Jackie’s attention before she could mentally chastise herself any further. She turned her head to see Nina entering the meeting room through the small staff door at the corner. Jackie frowned. Nina being there was already unusual enough, but the way she was agitated and looking piercingly at Jackie was telling that something was happening. Something that would have Nina interrupt the meeting if she could.

Jackie was 100 percent sure it had to do with Jan. So she took a deep breath, looked back at her table of counselors, and discreetly pulled the one on her right aside. It was Derrick, not Jackie’s first choice to trust an entire meeting with, but she didn’t really care at the moment. What’s the worst that could happen?

“I need to step out for a moment. I trust you can reach a conclusion without me. This is not the first time this subject has been brought up,” murmured Jackie to Derrick as the other counselor kept talking. “Put these men in their places.” She winked and smiled for effect, receiving a nod in return.

Jackie excused herself and let Derrick make up an excuse for her. She walked out of the room with all the poise of the queen everybody wanted her to be, only to abandon it the moment she was out of sight in favor of lifting her skirt and fast-walking to the staff entrance on the next hallway. When she got there, Nina was already waiting for her.

“Jan is packing,” said Nina without preamble. Jackie’s heart sank. “I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s laughing a whole lot and her voice is too high. She keeps saying you’ll be relieved?”

“What? What do you mean relieved?”

“I have no idea!” Nina was talking in a rushed whisper, clearly agitated. “You have to talk to her, your majesty. She seems to think you’ll be happy when she’s gone, and I know for a fact that’s not true.”

Jackie was walking down the hallway before Nina even finished her sentence. The cook had to jog to keep up with her pace as Jackie stomped towards the center of the castle.

“She’s in her room,” panted Nina. “She said she made sure to finish up all of her work before she started to get ready to leave. Do you want me to take her somewhere so you can talk?”

“No need, I’m just gonna go there.”

Nina hesitated at that. “Hm, not to pry or anything, but you know people will talk, right? The queen going to the staff’s private chambers, that’s some gossip.”

Jackie halted, now in the middle of the castle’s main hall. “Well, Nina. I don’t give a fuck.” She hauled her skirt up her shin and kept walking with Nina on her tail. Her heels were clacking on the stone floor, every step stronger than the last. Jackie could feel the strains of her corset and it was hard to breathe, but she pushed through. If it wasn't so much work, she would have taken her shoes off just to go faster.

They walked through a corridor and down two flights of stairs before Jackie realized she didn’t know which way Jan’s room actually was. But as her pace slowed down, Nina didn’t hesitate in going forward to lead the rest of the way. A few more narrow corridors and Nina stopped, pointing at an open door.

It seemed like Jackie’s courage had run dry. She hesitated, and Nina noticed. "it's going to be alright," encouraged the cook with a hand on Jackie's shoulder. "You just have to talk. I'm sure it's all just a big misunderstanding."

"I like your optimism," said Jackie with a weak smile. She approached the door hesitantly, noticing how Jan was moving frantically inside. Her hair was messily tied up in a bun and her eyes were a little too wide, giving her a manic energy. Jackie knocked on the open door to catch her attention.

Jan jumped as if Jackie had caught her doing something wrong. "Jackie!" she exclaimed, smiling so forcefully it hurt to watch.

"What are you doing, Jan?" asked Jackie softly, as if approaching a wild animal. She put a smile on her face too, hoping it didn't look as fake as Jan's but knowing it was far from natural.

Jan's eyes were darting all over. She was avoiding looking at Jackie like it hurt. "I'm, hmm." There was a simple wooden chest open at the foot of Jan's bed with a neatly folded pile of clothes inside. On her bed, an assortment of papers and knick-knacks waited to be sorted.

Jan didn't have a lot of things, Jackie noticed. It wouldn't take long for her to gather her entire life and whisk herself away. A lump immediately formed in the queen's throat. Nina must have run for her as soon as she realized what Jan had been doing. Jackie looked around, but Nina was already gone. When she looked back, Jan was fumbling with some letters.

"My brothers asked for me to come live with them again," said Jan. At first glance, it looked like she was back at organizing, but she was actually just picking things up and putting them back down. “I think it’ll be good for us. They need someone to take care of them, you know?”

“And you just found out about it now?” Jackie was trying her best to sound calm, to be patient, but this felt like a life and death situation.

“They mentioned it a while ago, but I think now is perfect timing.” Nina had been right when she said Jan’s voice was a bit too high. “It’s going to be fun. I’ll get back to cooking, we’ll go to the beach. I’ve never seen the ocean, isn’t that weird? I may even help plan the wedding! William didn’t propose yet, but it looks like that’s where it’s going—”

“So you’re just—leaving? Today?” interrupted Jackie, unable to contain herself. The lump in her throat was affecting her voice, and she was blinking a whole lot. Jan looked up, and Jackie found she couldn’t look her in the eye, but looking away didn’t help her feel any better.

“I thought—”

“Your Majesty!” James, one of the court’s servants came running down the hallway, interrupting the conversation. Jackie closed her eyes for a second, cursing her luck. She was still in the doorway and could see the state of the young man as he approached, ruffled up as if he’d run the entire castle looking for her. “Oh, thank god I found you, your highness,” he panted, folding over and leaning on his knees, heaving. “Your presence is requested at the meeting room, milady.”

Jackie’s spine aligned as she went back to being the queen instead of the fool in love she actually was. She was so tired. “I put Derrick in charge of the meeting.”

“There’s a fight going on, your majesty,” said James. He risked a look inside the room. Jackie didn’t turn to see what he saw, but she knew whatever he thought it was would be in the entire castle’s ears before sunset.

“James, tell whoever sent you that they can handle one meeting without—”

“A fist-fight.”

Jackie stopped in the middle of her sentence, leaving her mouth open from pure shock. “Oh, for crying out loud!” Jackie turned back to Jan. She didn’t want to leave now. She couldn’t leave now. She had to tell Jan she had to stay… for some reason. Any reason. She’d do anything.

Jan had her arms around herself. She looked fragile and it didn’t suit her. “I’ll come up later. To say goodbye,” Jan murmured as Jackie didn’t say anything.

“Promise?” Jackie murmured back, hyper-aware of James’ presence.

Jan nodded, the corner of her mouth tugging up in the tiniest smile. It was so much prettier than the fake one she had been wearing earlier. Jackie believed her, so she left to break up a freaking fist-fight between her freaking royal counselors. What had her life turned into?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: Jackie tries to talk to Jan but is interrupted. 
> 
> this chapter: Jackie doesn't want Jan to leave, but she wants to respect her. What can she do?

Jackie wanted to go after Jan again after the ridiculous affairs of her meeting, but Jan had promised she’d come by and Jackie wanted to respect her space for once. As she waited, she paced around in the library, chewing the corners of her nails, trying to come up with a speech that could convince Jan to stay without sounding like an order or like Jackie had second intentions towards her, because she didn’t. She was willing not to be in the same room as Jan ever again if it was what it took to at least know she was close and safe.

Why did she think the library would be a calming place? Jackie had so many memories of Jan in there she was losing her mind. Jan singing near the fire. Jan telling her about a book she just read while placing it back on the shelf. The two of them playing hide-and-seek one particularly warm night just last week. Jackie had felt like she was ten-years-old again, at the same time that she felt too old to do anything physical ever again as Jan helped her unfold from a small cabinet she was now stuck into. They were laughing so hard the whole ordeal took twice as long than it should.

Jackie wanted to cry thinking about it. Like happiness like that would never be possible again without Jan. She knew it wasn’t true in a logical sense, but her heart believed it so fiercely it was impossible to contradict it. Jan couldn’t leave, she just couldn’t.

But what Jackie did was seriously wrong. She would never hurt Jan on purpose, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t able to. In fact, she apparently hurt her so badly that now she wanted to be as far away as possible. The more Jackie thought about it, the more it made sense. She wouldn’t want to be near somebody like herself either.

The door squeaked as it opened, taking Jackie out of her reveries. Jan walked in holding a package, hesitant as if that place didn’t belong to her too. It was almost dusk. Jan’s hair was down and the warm light was painting it a rich yellow, making her look impossibly beautiful as she walked towards Jackie in tiny steps. Jackie needed her more than air.

“I made this for you,” said Jan by way of introduction. She held the package forward for Jackie to get, and the queen stepped closer to be able to reach it. They remained several feet away, more distant than they’d ever been, in more than one way. “I was waiting for your birthday to give it to you but… well…”

Jackie didn’t want to open it, whatever it was. It was soft and kind of heavy in her arms, but she didn’t even look at it twice. She couldn’t take her eyes away from Jan, as if trying to take her in as much as possible before she vanished into thin air. It took her a moment to realize her birthday was still months away.

“When am I going to see you again?” she asked, perplexed. It hadn’t occurred to her that, on top of not seeing Jan everyday anymore, she wouldn’t see her at all. Ever. But why would she? Why would Jan want to come back?

Jan seemed confused by the question. “I don’t know,” she murmured.

Jackie’s heart was made of stone and it was destroying everything inside her as it tried to keep beating. She looked down and decided to open her package, if only to have something to do. She did so delicately, feeling like any sudden movement could bring her to tears.

The package was as simple as it could be, and it didn’t take much to undo the string that tied it together. Inside, she found the pale pink yarn she saw Jan knitting so many times. Jackie put the folded piece still cradled by paper on a table so she could raise it and see what it was.

“It’s a robe,” said Jan as Jackie extended the knitted piece in front of her, unraveling its long sleeves and body. “It took me a while, but I finally finished it a couple of weeks ago. I actually had to restart it once cause the sleeves were all wrong, but I think they’re okay now.”

The robe was heavy and tightly knitted. It wasn't the prettiest, or the finest. It wasn’t even the most well-done knitting job.

But it was warm.

Because Jackie was always cold.

It was perfect.

“I know you only have silk ones,” continued Jan once Jackie didn’t say anything. “This one will be better at night. I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to use it, I know it’s not like anything you own, but at least you won’t be shivering.”

“Are you kidding? I’m never taking it off,” said Jackie seriously. She ditched her bolero to immediately put it on. She was aware of the strain in her voice and the tears making her vision blurry, but still she looked at Jan. The yarn on her skin smelled like Jan. It felt like love. “Thank you.”

Jan was looking at her as if Jackie was the most complicated puzzle on the planet.

“Why are you crying?”—

“When are you leaving?”—

— they said at the same time, followed by a pause. It was awkward like they never were together.

Jackie wiped her tears away. As she brought her hands to her face, the smell of Jan hit her nose in full force through the robe’s fabric. It didn’t help at all.

“In the morning,” said Jan. She was still staring at Jackie as if waiting for something. The problem was, Jackie didn’t know what it was. Maybe she was just daring her to say something so she could go off at how much Jackie had hurt her.

“Can I ask Marco to come with you?” asked Jackie. It wasn’t the question she wanted to ask, but it was the one she had to. “So I know you’ll be safe.”

Jan looked away and Jackie knew she missed something. “I don’t think it’s dangerous.”

“Please.” It wasn’t the right reason to plead either.

Jan looked back at her, as if she knew it too. “Alright.”

There was another pause. Jan sighed and Jackie could tell she was about to leave for good. She was taking a breath to say goodbye and that would be it. They would never see each other again, and Jackie deserved it.

“I’m so sorry, Jan,” she blurted out before Jan could say anything, surprising herself.

Jan’s expression softened. “It’s okay, Jackie. You don’t have to apologize, it’s just how it is. I get it.” She was smiling kindly, and it was entirely too much.

“It’s not okay. I was wrong and there’s no excuse.” Jackie wanted to move closer, take Jan’s hand in between hers. She took a step back instead and hugged herself. “I respect your decision. If you ever need anything, please reach out. You don’t even have to talk to me, you can talk to Nina.”

As much as she could keep herself away, she couldn’t keep her voice from faltering and the tears from welling up in her eyes. This time she didn’t wipe them away, just letting them fall quietly. Jackie waited for Jan’s goodbye. Waited to watch the library door close for the last time. She wondered if she would ever be able to step foot in that place again.

“Jackie, what are you talking about?” asked Jan, the solemn tone of their conversation suddenly gone. Jan had a deep crease in her brows and a hand on her waist that gave away her frustration.

Now Jackie was confused too. “Hmm, I mean you don’t have to talk to me in case you need anything, but I want you to reach out anyway.”

“Why did you say you were wrong?” said Jan, getting a bit closer. It was almost as if they were back to normal. Almost. “Why wouldn’t I want to talk to you?” she gestured between the two of them to make her point clear.

“What? You were the one to imply we were never going to see each other again.”

Jan paused as if she just now realized that. “Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, not soon. Because that would be hard for me.”

“Yeah, exactly,” said Jackie.

Several words died in Jan’s throat, as if she was starting and finishing thoughts before they could come out of her mouth. She didn’t get it and Jackie didn’t understand what she wasn’t getting. Or maybe she was just frustrated at Jackie’s victimism through this. To be honest, Jackie would rather not be crying either, but she wasn’t doing it to earn Jan’s pity. It was just too much, something had to spill.

She tried to make it right once again. “Look, Jan, I mean it, I’m so sorry.” This time, Jackie gave in and took Jan’s hand, if only to take her out of her own head. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry I kissed you. It was so wrong. I never meant to hurt you, it’s the last thing—”

“You didn’t kiss me,” interrupted Jan.

Jackie let go of her hand.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: Jan comes to Jackie to say goodbye bearing a gift and a lot of confusion. 
> 
> this chapter: finally, they talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, that's it folks! I feel like this story could go on forever but this is where I'll leave it for now. The epilogue will (hopefully) tie some knots and I made this part of a series for any followups. I hope you enjoy, and thank you so much for commenting, it always makes my day.

What the hell was going on out here on this day?

First, Jackie came to Jan’s room, her gown barely fitting through the narrow corridors at the castle’s basement. Plus, she was crying. Jan understood that it was a shock. To be honest, it had been a shock to her too, but once she put her mind to it, she was pretty sure it was the right decision to leave. But then Jackie was looking at her as if Jan had kicked a puppy and making her promise to go see her later, which was pretty confusing. She didn’t expect to see Jackie holding back tears, or to hear her apologize over and over again, and now this? Something was clearly not adding up.

“You didn’t kiss me,” said Jan dumbfounded.

Jackie blinked, just as taken aback. “Hmm. Yes, I did?”

“No, I kissed _you_ ,” said Jan pointing at Jackie’s chest.

Jackie blinked again. “I’m pretty sure I kissed you.”

This was the single most stupid argument in history. “Oh my god.” Jan rubbed her face down in frustration.

“If you thought you kissed _me_ ,” said Jackie. “Why are you leaving?”

“Because I thought you didn’t want me to!” exclaimed Jan. “You apologized. I thought you were saying you didn’t like me back.”

“Didn’t like you _back?_ ” said Jackie in a high pitch. “ _Didn’t like you back?_ ” Her eyebrows were up in her hairline. She began pacing.

“What were you apologizing for then?” asked Jan, throwing her arms up.

“For forcing myself on you.” Jackie halted to say it, as serious as a heart attack.

Jan snorted. “But _I_ was kissing _you_.”

Jackie looked like she was about to argue back until she saw the smile trying to form on Jan’s lips. “This is ridiculous,” she said with her own smile.

“So stupid,” responded Jan, giving into laughter.

Jackie started cackling too, wiping her face as she did it, getting rid of the tears from earlier. “I love it, by the way,” she said casually, gesturing with the sleeve of the robe she was still wearing. “Feels like a hug.”

And just like that, it seemed like a travesty that they were so far away from each other. Three steps and Jan was enveloping Jackie in a real hug, tight and full of meaning. It had barely been a day, but she’d missed her so much. The idea of losing her had been unbearable.

“I missed you so much,” Jan murmured.

“God, me too,” said Jackie, holding her even tighter. “Does that mean you’ll stay?”

“Yes!” Jan pulled back to say, holding Jackie’s beautiful face in her hands. “Yes, I’ll stay. I never wanted to leave. I want to stay with you.”

It was like a weight was lifted off Jackie’s shoulders. Her eyes softened and her mouth pursed as she tried to hide her smile. “How could you think I didn’t like you back? That I wouldn’t want to see you again?” she asked softly.

Jan shrugged. It seemed so obvious now she didn’t know herself. “How could you think I wasn’t the one kissing you?”

Jackie laughed wholeheartedly. She was so beautiful. “Jan?” she prompted, still smiling.

“Yeah?” Jan answered, her arms making their way around Jackie’s shoulder.

“Can I kiss you?”

It was the most important question of Jan’s life. She let her eyes flutter closed as she answered. “Yes.”

She felt cool fingertips on her cheeks. Jackie was staring at her, she could tell even without opening her eyes. Jan was tingling all over, expecting. The next thing she felt was a pair of soft lips on her other cheek. She chuckled through her nose. “I hope that’s not what you meant.”

“It’s not,” said Jackie. Jan peeked through her lashes in time to see Jackie closing her eyes and tilting her head before bringing their lips together. After that. Jan couldn’t keep her eyes open even if she wanted to.

This kiss was different. Calmer. Jan could feel Jackie’s hands tangling in her hair but this time it was like there was no rush. She could see it for what it was: keeping her close, not pushing her away. Jan ran her hand up Jackie’s spine and stopped at the back of her neck while a palm in between her shoulder blades tried to bring them closer. The gown was in the way again, but their chests were pressed together and their lips were catching each other’s as if they were used to it. As if they were never doing anything else ever again.

After a long while, Jan pulled back. “Jackie,” she whispered against her lips.

“See, that’s what you did,” said Jackie, laughing and touching her nose to Jan’s. “Don’t do that, it’s very confusing.”

“If you let me finish…”

“Alright,” laughed Jackie, pulling back enough so they could look at each other without going cross-eyed.

Jan placed a lock of hair behind Jackie’s ear. Her heart was hammering. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Jackie exhaled all at once, as if Jan literally took her breath away, her smile gone from her face. She bracketed Jan’s face, caressing a cheek with her thumb. “I know I’m in love with you.”

Jan was on her so fast Jackie had to brace herself against a table not to lose balance. The thirst was back. Jan could practically feel the desire cursing through their veins, pouring through their touches. They kissed heatedly, letting their tongues meet and their hands wander. It was getting harder to breathe and Jan was cursing her own creation as Jackie’s robe made everything too hot.

“Now this time you kissed me,” said Jackie once Jan moved to kiss the place where her jaw met her neck. She sounded as out of breath as Jan. Good.

“I did it the other time too.” Jan felt Jackie’s pulse against her tongue and heard a strangled little moan. She pressed her legs together unconsciously, catching her breath against Jackie’s shoulder before leaning back up. She didn’t go far, though, just enough to graze her lips against Jackie’s ears. “I think it’s time for me to undress you, milady.”

“Don’t call me that,” said Jackie despite the noises escaping her throat.

“Not even in bed?” asked Jan in a playfully whiny voice. She was enjoying the effect she had on Jackie. This day had so many ups and downs, but Jan wasn’t expecting something like this to happen, and now all she wanted was to bask on it.

“Jan!” Jackie laughed. “That’s so kinky of you.”

“I was always kinky, Jacqueline,” said Jan, burying her nose in Jackie’s hair as she wished to do so, so many times.

Jackie chuckled and combed through Jan’s hair. “I really do love you,” she said quietly, as if testing it out.

Jan felt her insides melting down and boiling up at the same time. “And I really do want to undress you.” She was back on Jackie’s mouth while she was still laughing, and it was wonderful.

“Let’s go to bed,” said Jackie, stepping away and extending a hand that Jan didn’t hesitate to take. Part of her was expecting Jackie to let go once they reached the corridors, however. It was still early and there were people walking around. But she didn’t. They walked hand in hand until they were in Jackie’s room, closing the door and working on those damned laces.

Jan still didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life. She still didn’t know the grounds of her relationship with her family. She didn’t even know where she and Jackie would stand tomorrow, or how people might take their brand new relationship. But there would be time to worry about that later. Right now, Jan was made of love and hope, and like that she could rule the world.


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prev.: a very clearly consensual kiss puts everything in its place. 
> 
> this chapter: we take a look at how their relationship will evolve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support on this fic. It means the world to me to know people like my silly stories <3 
> 
> Thank you so much Meggie for reading through every single line and cheering me on and being the wonderful friend you are

Jan hadn’t exactly thought through what being with Jackie would mean. Sure, she’d picture their embrace, or how her kisses would feel, or how nice it would be to be able to touch her whenever she wanted. But Jan’s fantasies always happened in a particular world, and while their intimate moments were definitely there, it turned out that their actual relationship was very much public.

Jan continued to work after that fateful night. She spent the night on Jackie’s bed, helped her get dressed in the morning (you couldn’t say that it wasn’t convenient to be at work after literally just jumping out of bed), unpacked her things back in her room, and went back to making beds. But people were now talking and Jan could only pretend to ignore it for so long.

_“Poor Jan, being used by the queen.”_

_“Poor queen, being taken advantage of by a gold-digger maid.”_

_“She was just too lonely.”_

_“This is just wrong.”_

_“What will the other kingdoms think?”_

_“Jan’s smart; I’d give in too if it meant getting rich.”_

_“I bet they don’t even love each other.”_

Jackie was dealing with the gossip in a much more graceful way than Jan. She didn’t seem all that bothered, but Jan supposed she had a lifetime of experience with this sort of thing. However, she saw Jan’s hesitance and this time she didn’t wait for a cue, she just sat Jan down and talked about it. Well, technically laid her down, and technically did some very nice things before they actually had said conversation, but that was beside the point.

Jackie, wonderful Jackie, didn’t care at all about what people said, but she wanted Jan to be comfortable, and she wanted her to be happy. People would keep talking, she said, no matter what, but Jan didn’t have to be a maid anymore, she didn’t have to live in the staff quarters anymore if she didn't want to. Jackie talked about professional opportunities in theater and other fields, about how much she wanted to give that to Jan, how much she had wanted to give so much for so long but didn’t want to make Jan uncomfortable about it. Jackie would give her anything, not because they were sleeping together, but because she thought Jan deserved it. Because she loved her and wanted to lift her up.

Jan refused, and Jackie let it go, didn’t pressure her. Instead, she ordered the construction of a new building in the castle’s gardens to house the staff in a more comfortable manner. She told Jan a story about how Charlie had done individual chambers instead of the usual shared room people used to have in castles, but now Jackie thought that wasn’t good enough anymore. By the time that building was done, Jan was already spending most of her nights on Jackie’s bed, but she still moved her stuff to the new housing.

Later that same year, as Jackie’s birthday came around and Jan had already given her the gift she had planned, she decided to disguise Jackie in simple clothing and drag her down to the village to watch a street performance from a traveling theater group that happened to be in town. Jackie loved it so much she kissed Jan right there, in the middle of the crowd. They started going to see performances together quite often after that, and soon the artist inside Jan was bubbling to become free. She didn’t ask for Jackie’s influence, she just talked to people and auditioned for a singing role in the local company. Her talent was enough to get her in.

Once Jan started to feel like she was standing on her two feet, it was easier to stand proudly beside Jackie. She began sending money to her brothers, who didn’t actually get married or became fishermen. They were still changing their minds about their lives every five minutes as most teenagers, and Jan was happy to give them some comfort to keep exploring without worrying about putting food on the table. Life went on, and Jan learned that distance didn’t keep her from being there for them. And she’d visit now and again too, spend the day at the beach, wonder when she’d manage to get Jackie to come with her.

That also helped her understand where home was. She was still common folk, and the members of the court all but despised her, but Jackie loved her. The more time passed, the more Jan realized that was all that mattered. She wanted to wake up with her every day, to have pre-breakfast together in their room every day, to go to the library when it was cold and snuggle in front of the fire until they fell asleep and woke up with their backs complaining. It took months before Jan admitted she was living in the castle, and many others more for her to accept Jackie’s invitation to a noble party and, consequently, to get fitted for a new dress.

After all that happened, a dress shouldn’t feel like the biggest change, but it was a concrete token of Jan’s new life, new status. The first time she stepped into the purple fabric, she felt like a completely new person. Jackie was the one to help her with the laces, and they didn’t miss the parallel there. Jan looked in the mirror, saw the two of them together, and for the first time it felt like they could really be seen as equal in the eyes of everybody else. Like they knew they were for each other.

“You look beautiful,” said Jackie, looking at her through the mirror.

“This is so fancy. It could be a wedding dress if it was white.” Jan was a little too obsessed with her own image, but to be fair she had never looked so good in her entire life.

“Or black.” Jackie winked, stepping away to put on her own earrings. She looked amazingly beautiful too, even more so than usual in a dark brown dress and her hair in an updo. But there was also an extra shine in her eyes that Jan thought was part makeup, part happiness. Maybe that was why she looked to pretty herself.

“I love you,” said Jan. From the amount of time they spent on each other’s presence, you’d think those words would come up more often. But while the feeling was ever present, the language would always take their breath away when it decided to manifest itself. And that’s what it felt like, every time. Like it was impossible to contain, it had to be said.

“I love you too,” answered Jackie softly. She stepped closer, one earring still in her hand, but Jan leaned back.

“You can’t kiss me, it’ll ruin my lipstick.”

Jackie laughed. “Oh, the drama.”

And just like that they were back on their usual banter. Jackie put her remaining earring on and Jan helped her with her necklace. She wasn’t a chambermaid anymore, being now employed as an actress, but Jackie never hired anybody to take her place. Helping fasten a necklace now felt like intimacy, because Jan could let her fingers linger every time if she wanted. She could place kisses on Jackie’s shoulders if she wanted (and if she didn’t have lipstick on).

Jan didn’t have as many accessories but she did have long gloves to go with her gown. She was still on the fence about letting Jackie buy her jewelry, but it wasn’t like that dress needed any. She was looking at herself in the mirror again, mesmerized by the tones of purple and the shine of the fabric. Jackie stepped behind her, snaked her hands around her waist, rested her chin on Jan’s shoulder.

“Seriously, baby, you look so good I kind of want to take this all off before we even go,” said Jackie, pressing her front against Jan’s back, holding her tight with a hand flat on her stomach.

Jan leaned into it, reaching back to caress Jackie’s neck, careful not to mess her updo. “Don’t you dare, I want to show it off to all these people I don’t know.”

Jackie chuckled faintly, nuzzling Jan’s neck and being overall very distracting. It was actually very nice. As the time to leave the castle approached, Jan had been getting more and more nervous. “How do you want me to introduce you?” asked Jackie.

“What do you mean?”

“Hello Mr. Duke of Nowhere, what a pleasure to see you again. Yes, this is my friend, Jan.” Jackie managed to act it out without losing the hold she had on Jan. It was kind of impressive. “Or maybe my girlfriend, Jan?” She stepped back then, rounding Jan to look her in the eye. “My partner, Jan?”

“Can’t it be just Jan?”

Jackie smiled, taming the drums inside Jan’s heart. “Yeah. Just Jan is perfect.” Jackie reached up, smoothed the creased skin in between Jan’s eyebrows. “What are you thinking about?”

“What happens when you get bored of me?” It sounded out of the blue but if she was honest, Jan had been thinking about that since the very beginning. Jackie was interesting, smart, curious, beautiful. Sooner or later she’d realize Jan was just a regular girl, and that would stop being enough for someone like her.

Jackie raised her brows, letting her touch slide down to Jan’s cheek. “I think you’re much more likely to get bored of me first. You’ll see, soon the company will start to travel, you’ll be all around the world and I’ll be just some boring old lady you were once friends with.” She said it lightly, but Jan could see the hurt behind her eyes.

Jan exhaled, smiled. She caught Jackie’s wrist and placed a gentle kiss on her palm (a careful, light one). “When will we stop trying to guess each other’s thoughts?”

Jackie pursed up a smile. “I think we’re getting there.”

\--

The party was partly awkward, partly fun. Jan ate a bigger variety of food on that single night than she had her entire life. Jackie was mildly sarcastic to a few people, and mostly they kept to themselves, but according to Jackie, it was what she usually did at that kind of event anyway. The highlight of the night was Jan joining the musicians to sing a couple of songs, surprising quite a few people with her talent. She suspected she even changed some minds about herself. Nothing a singalong couldn’t fix.

After the party, they stayed at one of Jackie’s friends’. The manor was almost as big as the castle, but the two of them stayed in the same room and no one batted an eye, which made it feel homely by itself. It was a relief to get out of their shoes and heavy dresses, but an even bigger relief to finally be able to embrace without ruffles in the way or makeup to worry about.

After a few years, most people would believe their love was serious. After a few years, they would get into some rough patches and come back stronger on the other side. After a few years, they would keep guessing each other’s thoughts, but become more accurate at it. Jan had no way of knowing any of that, but somehow she already knew that she would be Jackie’s forever. Because she wanted to, and because they worked on their love together. But most of all because when nobody else was looking, Jan and Jackie saw each other, and in turn let themselves be seen. And even right now, she knew that was everything she needed.

In their borrowed, oversized room, Jackie kissed Jan languidly and slowly, as if she had been thinking about it all night. She probably had. Jan had thought about it a good handful of times herself. She laced her fingers through Jackie’s hair, ruining what remained of her hairdo while pulling her down so they could lay on the bed together. Nothing about it was new, nothing about it was different, but it seemed like every time they fit together more perfectly than the time before. It was better than being soulmates, it was building something beautiful together.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think <3


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